Hello. I am Erica Kravid, CEO of Renautus, empowered female and bicycling enthusiast. And I’m here to say that I’m just like you, give or take $2.7 billion.
I am not some monster, as certain paranoid privacy advocates might have you believe. It is not my goal to bring about some inhumane dystopia where uniform art deco buildings line the streets of a numerical grid system. I am not opposed to the occasional cul-de-sac. I enjoy an out-of-place obsolete cottage as much as the next guy.
However, I do believe we shouldn’t let sentimentality keep us from achieving the future that we so rightfully deserve. We should not cling too tightly to nostalgia that we let our potential go unrealized.
There’s a time and place for quaint, and this isn’t it.
This is why I want to address you all, to soothe your fears and show you the vision I have for our world. And it’s with these special glasses that we will achieve that vision, a vision far greater than the 20/20 vision your ophthalmologist might give you with a nice pair of horned rims. No, this isn’t the 1950’s and these aren’t your grandfather’s glasses. These glasses are EPIC.
Don’t worry. I can’t see your junk. They’re not x-ray glasses.
That’s an acronym, by the way. It stands for Evolved Persons Identi….actually, no need to bore you with the details. And Marketing is still kicking around a few options. They think leaving it ambiguous might make it seem more hip, help us reach a younger demographic.
The technology will exist, does exist. I want to reassure you that capitalism isn’t the enemy here. After all, would you want the government to have control of it? Ha! I think not. Unlike the government, we have to turn a profit. We can’t do that without your support. It’s the perfect oversight system. If you think we’re overstepping our bounds, if we’re doing something you don’t like, then you can always stop eating Renautas Flakes™ for breakfast. You can stop driving Renautas LV™ series cars. You can find another asthma medication to use in place of our patented Renautas BreethRite™ inhaler. But when the government does something you disagree with, well you have no recourse. And that is what makes the private sector the best sector.
Renautas is a great company, a company that cares about the future. We even have several Asians on our board, and you know how wise Asians are. So really, what could go wrong?
My Asians and I are committed to the cause.
So let us do what the government could not. They could not protect you from the terrorist attack on June 13th. They can’t keep your family safe from future attacks, and they can’t keep a reliable database of evolved humans. I mean, most of their computers still run on DOS. We at Renautas have computers that run on the most advanced people processors in the world. We have the technology and the altruistic profit-driven motive to guide humanity through this brave new world.
Trust us. We’re the good guys. Don’t believe me? Just see for yourself:
If it’s in an ad, it has to be true.
I appreciate your time and will be happy to answer any further questions. Simply address your comments to our PR department and you will get a response in one to eight-nine business days. Thank you.
Vince Vaughn works with them? They have to be good!