The League of Gorgeousness

We’re gorgeous, kickass, and bad to the bone.

Figuratively, of course. We’re the good guys, as you well know – what else but a team of superheroes would be chosen by ME to gift with my beautiful saving light?

It all started after beautiful-future-hubby Nathan flew off to meet with his great-great-great-great-mother, Angela Petrelli, who last I saw was asleep and dreaming of Chanel unicorns or something of that nature. The woman clearly needs help, so if someone could straighten out her head (and her so-last-century makeup), it would be most appreciated.

Having thus been given the unthrilling task of more Googling (okay, fine, meeting with the Justice Department – tomayto, tomahto), I started to reminisce about my superhero exploits defeating Doctor Buglizard.

I realized that I had not killed him, because that is what superheroes do, thereby leaving their hideous, scaled archnemeses a chance to nurse their oozing, pus-filled wounds and live out the rest of their ugly lives planning pointless, futile revenge.

Most of them don’t succeed, of course, but there are a select few who do manage to rebuild their death rays and come back with a vengeance. Thinking quickly, I realized that I would need help if Doctor Buglizard was one of those people. I would need friends, allies who were just as dedicated as I am to eradicating ugliness once and for all.

I would need a Legion of Gorgeousness.

So I put on my best smile (which was harder than you’d think; there are so many to choose from), got past the security at Pinehearst by flashing my year-old identity card (along with a few other assets), and walked right up to the man in charge – Arthur Petrelli. I convinced him that the world needed a team of beautiful, attractive superheroes, and he gave me the four best people he had to offer. I grinned, thinking that they would be an excellent command corps for our legion… until I realized that they were the legion.

Four people. Four. Only four pretty people in the entire building. So few people to spread the Gospel of Gorgeous? Absolutely criminal.

Much like the first member of our team.

KNOX – The Brawler

Every superhero team has to have a wrong-side-of-the-tracks black dude who punches things, and our Mr. Knox fits the bill here perfectly. In addition to super-strength and the uncanny ability to inhale really loudly, he also possesses soft, luxuriant hair and the best collection of scalp-care products I’ve ever seen outside of my own home.

FLINT – The Dumb Blonde

All right, so he’s not the brightest crayon in the crayon factory, but Flint does have blue fire powers capable of melting steel and setting hearts aflame. Besides, he’s got that rugged bad-boy appeal that I know you mortal women fawn over, so he fulfills that side of the beauty quota.

ELLE – The Other Dumb Blonde

All right, so two is a bit much. But unlike Mr. Flint up there, Elle here has an IQ score that reaches into the double-digits, and is also a girl. This last fact is vitally important for attracting to our cause those few men who manage to avoid my radiant beauty. She shoots lightning, too. From everywhere.

SYLAR – The Distressing Damsel

Brains and beauty, and an appetite for both. Sylar’s our heavy-hitter, and the fourth-most beautiful person on the team, next to me and my girls. Fear the power-mimicking action!

(Also note that I have refrained from referring to Sylar using any gendered pronouns. It is better that way.)

Legion of Gorgeousness, prepare to manscape!

XOXO,
Tracy Strauss