Okay so let’s say your friend hypes up a movie. They tell you it’s the best movie ever and you have to see it right away. No, you have to see it on opening night or better yet stand in line for the midnight showing. Provided they have a show at midnight of course. So you’re all excited, you’ve been waiting in line for hours, you’ve even sat on the ground, leaning against the wall because you’re just that tired. Somebody might have taken pity on you and thrown you a sticky quarter. Then you get into the movie, you got your slusho or your popcorn or whatever over priced chocolate confection you prefer. Half way through the movie, you discover the big plot twist, which should be some life-altering event. And not some hyped up pod racing scene that went on way too long either For that split second, you’re in awe but then you blink a few times and go “That was it? That was the big secret?” A complete and utter let down.
Granted my secret wasn’t what everybody thought. I know some people thought maybe I killed somebody or lit my Dad’s cornfield on fire or even might have burned down the school gym because it was filled with rats or something equally lame like that. It would have been way cooler if I worked for the CIA in some secret black ops division. But the truth is, I’m the smarter more cuter version of Forest Gump. I make leg braces look cool. And now that eclipse has come around it’s allowed me to spend some quality time with some friends of mine and reflect on my past actions.
First let’s talk about Matt. He came all the way, because he felt bad about hesitating when I asked if he trusted me. I mean come on, I’m not some dumb blonde, I get it you know? I’m not trustworthy, but darn if I’m not a cutie right? But hey that’s cool, I don’t mind stabbing anybody in the back or the front for that matter. So he thought it would be inspiring to watch Forest Gump. We must have watched that movie a dozen times before I hobbled down to the cornfield. It’s a big corn field but I’m ready.
“Run Daphne Run!” Matt yells at me.
“Geez Matt I’m standing right next to you,” I roll my eyes as he nearly bursts one of my eardrums. Ando and Hiro start humming the theme from chariots of fire.
Well this is it I guess. I look towards the sky hoping for that Christmas miracle. Maybe its time to say a little prayer. Are you there God? It’s me Daphne, I know we haven’t talked much but I think I’m different from the other girls at school. Something happened to me down there but now it’s not working anymore.
Oh that was a private moment, you were supposed to plug your ears you know? Besides I was talking about my feet. What did you think I meant?
Anyways I gather my courage (not the liquid kind fueled by Jack Daniels) and give them the thumbs up, drop my crutches and land face down on the ground eating dirt.
Which brings me to Hiro who thinks he is 10 years old. Now in my moment of shame he decides to throw corn at me and speak in Japanese. “Stop that!” I roll over shielding my face from the offending corn. Why couldn’t he throw something soft like Marshmallows?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” I yell. Isn’t anybody going to help me? Finally I reach over, grab one of my crutches, and swing it in the air ready to knock the offending corn thrower unconscious. Except it hit Ando in his manly goods instead. I didn’t even realize he had Manley goods to be honest.
His eyes crossed as he dropped to his knees. “Hiro,” he said much as he did when Hiro did his fake stab back at the Angry Skunk Bar before landing next to me on the ground.
“Oh yeah that’s gotta sting,” Matt cringed Hiro winced in sympathetic pain.
“What’s he saying?” I pull myself up and hobble over towards Matt and Ando.
Hiro shrugged and leaned in closer towards Ando as he moaned in pain.
“MALACHAI!” Ando lifted his hand and pointed behind the three of us. All I heard were girly screams as that weird kid from the next farm over started swinging his big knife with his wild red hair. See this is one of the reasons I don’t like living on a corn farm. You get all kinds of obsessed freaks who think they need to spill your blood in order to have a good season or whatever they do to get their jollies off.
Matt turned his head to the side but nothing happened, Hiro squinted hard, or he might have been constipated, but again nothing happened. What could I do? Without my speed, I was useless or was I? Swinging my crutch, I disabled Malachai in the same way I disabled Ando. He dropped to his knees, squished Matt’s turtle and all was right in the world.
See I don’t need special powers to be ‘special’ I got Matt plus my
two girlfriends with me. Now where is that damn eclipse because living the corn life isn’t the life for me.
Malachai! Now that’s a name I thought I’d never hear again! Perhaps he’d like to come work for me? Hmmm…
Daddy totally wanted to move to Kansas after Texas. I told him “no, dad, that’s a really bad idea,” so we moved to Cali instead. Thank goodness. I might have dated some crazy gun slinging red head instead of a spineless but cute brunette.
Sounds like you had to deal with ginger children of the corn. I can’t imagine me living in Kansas.
Hey don’t feel bad about the leg braces. You’re still a cute… I mean, I’d hit like the fist of an angry God.