So, I’m like part of a whole bunch of families now. And, you know, families have rules. It’s just how they work or something. Since all of them seem to be coming together lately, I decided to check on how I’m doing, y’know?
I grew up in the Bennet family. We only have one rule really. “shoot first, ask later,” That and don’t put pepper in green bean caserole. But then, Dad said mom’s crazy rules don’t really count. Anyway, Dad’s raised me like, really well. He won’t let me have a real gun yet because he’s saving it for like, some weird family ritual, so I’m kinda stuck with a taser. Remember the black-hole dude? I totally tased him right away. And don’t tell anyone, but last year, Uncle-Super-Cute Peter gave me a gun to shoot him… And I still have it. Sometimes, I sneak out to practice. I’m like, really good. I swear, if I see my Crazy-Girly-Brain-Stealing-But-Still-Weirdly-Attractive-Uncle Sylar again I’m totally going to shoot him in his tender place. But don’t tell Peter. He’s kinda weird about me shooting people for some reason.
More about My really cute emo uncle later. We’re moving on to the next family I found out about. I’m going in chronological order, okay? Anyway, the Gordon family doesn’t have many rules either. They really don’t have anything official really, but Bio-Mom did sit me down a few times to impart some wisdom. “Always use a condom, okaaay?” She drawled. She also told me never to let my brother out of my sight because you never know when he’s going to do something unreasonably moronic. But hello? It’s not like my brother shoots flames or anything.
But the Petrellis? They are totally big on rules. It’s crazy. The other day after our little team meeting, Bio-Gramma pulled me aside and dumped these tablets in my arms. “Our family seems to be continuously growing. It won’t be a bad thing if you all abide by a few simple rules,” Okay. These simple rules like, weigh a ton, but here’s the gist:
RULE 1: A Petrelli must always dress as a Petrelli should. The dress code is: Fabulous.
Dude! That totally isn’t a problem! I’m a cheerleader. I’ve always had to dress in only the most up to date clothes. So, to keep up with this all important rule, I made Peter take me shopping. He totally had fun, but coudn’t show it because of his emo thing.
RULE 2: A Petrelli-
This one was scratched out. I could make out somehting about socks though.
RULE 3: A Petrelli may only mate with one on the same level of attractiveness as they are. This is to Preserve our family legacy of beauty.
Yeah, yeah, Bio-Dad has this down. He told me like a million times. He even brought pictures. In fact the entire family is all kinds of sexy. Except for the grandparents. But they’re old; they don’t count. Anyway, I’m doing alright aren’t I? My last boyfriend might not have had the balls or spine to take down the company, but he was cute, right?
Anyway, this leads me to…
RULE 4: As the Petrelli family is Italian, it is perfectly acceptable to have borderline inappropriate incestuous inuendoes. However, blatent and indecreet lovemaking within the family is unacceptable. We do not live in trailers. That means YOU Peter.
Jeez. That’s like, really ambigious. I mean, it doens’t take into account illigitimate daughters and their uncles. It doesn’t say ANYthing about people who’s Bio-Moms actually live in a trailer. And It certaintly doesn’t fit with what Bio-Mom said, “If you want it and you have protection, by all means, sleep with it,”
I’m trying my best here! It’s like, really stressful. I think Uncle Super Cute Peter and I are going back into the sewers now… He said he had some poetry to recite for me… 
Dear, never forget that socks are a moral imperative.
Love,
Grammy
Ah, young love.
It seems you have yet another uncle you can lust after.
Rule 4 is the cardinal rule… It took a while for me to get it down too, mainly because I kept confusing it with Rule 3..
I do give you kudos for nailing rule 3 as well.
You Petrelli’s. You’re like a bunch of rabbits.
Sexy rabbits.
As long as you’re living under my roof, you have to live by my rules. Speaking of which, where are you living these days anyway? I think the last time I saw you, you were in a marionette theatre.
Don’t worry. I’m too deep to follow the rules.
Bio-Gramma: No one wears socks anymore. It’s all about flip flops and boots.
Tracy- Young love is beautiful. At least it is when it involves me and my bio-family.
Cristy- Yeah, it’s like really weird. I wanna shoot him, but before he dies I’ve gotta see him take off his shirt. Knowing that man-woman, that won’t be a problem
Bio-Dad- It’s like, super confusing, right? All of my guys have been cute… But not as cute as my Petrelli family. It’s time for an upgrade.
Jon- I like, love bunnies!
Dad- I’ve totally been following your rules. I’m even acting more mysterious, like you! Oh, and I’m like hiding ’cause crusty old bio-grampa wants me or something. He’s such a freak.
Peter- What are you doing later? I need help with my sonnets. What rhymes with “secy hair”?