Even while in a coma, I’m so vain!

Look at me!

I’m in a vegetative state and I STILL know I look horrific! My crow’s feet are bigger than most crows!! Wretched!

Look at how those four little bastards have aged me!! What have I ever done to them; other than be a shrew like, narcissistic, passive aggressive matriarch? I’m just fulfilling my destiny. It’s not my fault than none of them were man enough to take it.

Except for Gabriel. He’s Mommy’s favorite.

Though, I worry that he’s socializing a bit too much with the wrong crowd. I cannot tell if my middle child is reppin’ for the Crips or the Bloods? Not my forte. I’m sure I’ll figure it out by the color bandana he wears to work on his next assignment. West Side!

As I was saying. Age. Also, clearly not my forte. Please closely observe this photo of me back in my hay day during the Purple Rain years of the artist that will always be known as Prince, no matter what we calls himself…

You’ll notice how my alabaster skin is even more glowing when accented by my seashell coral lipstick, AND usually large David Yurman earrings. And my hair!! Look at it stay up with nothing more than a two hour comb tweezing and four cans of Aqua Net. Now I am forced to wear a wiglet on the back of my head, and drown my gray haired sorrows in a bottle of Nice and Easy # 62 every six to eight weeks.

Age. It’s a bitches bitch!

But so am I! That is why I am going to honor Women of Age that I feel represent beauty at its finest. We all can’t be born with it, unlike Miss Strauss…

As you’ll see here, even while sitting in the front seat of Nathan’s car, half sober from the roofie he must have given her in order to get her to give him the time of day, she still pretty as a peach. However, I do send her fair warning to save herself and stock up on the Oil of Olay now.

On a different note, I also send Miss Strauss a gentle and maternal reminder that petting doesn’t make you popular, even if every one you sleep with is in government. In other words, don’t fish off the Company pier, Dear. It’ll add years to your face you didn’t know existed. Trust me on this. Mother knows best.

Barbara Bush

Only a true woman of grace and style would so boldly wear pearls with all of that neck fat. I also admire the fact that she is accenting her pearls by wearing a red power suit. Former First Lady, I salute you and your kankles! No one does it like you do.

Dame Edna

(I see someone else has had a bonding experience with a bottle of hair dye as well. Hmmm. That aside…)

Despite my close proximity to both someone in the jewelry trade, and what was once an alchemist, God rest his balding, four eyed soul, I will never be able to bring the “bling” the way Dame Edna does.

What does one have to do to become a “Dame” anyway? I think I’d like that title for myself. If it’s good enough for Judy Dench to star in those Bond movies as the Head DAME in Charge, then it’s MORE than good enough for me.

DAME Angela Petrelli! Perhaps when I wake from this coma, I’ll self appoint “Dame” as my new prefix, since it seems that being a “Mrs.” is on the way out.

Finally, we have her Royal Highness, the lady of all ladies, Queen Elizabeth the II.

You’ll notice from this deliciously candid shot that Her Highness is always the epitome of grace and tact, knowing the right thing to say in all situations. Beauty is from with in, no? I sure hope so, because this poor bastard is rotting from the inside out…

It’s a shame really. Aside from the fact that he is continually unshaven and totally filthy, he’s very pretty. The poor dear is covered with some kind of skin infection that only baboons get on their ass in the wild. Perhaps he should try some aloe vera? I tried to find a picture of it for you, but it was so disgusting that even in this state, I couldn’t subject my virgin eyes to such an atrocity. So instead, I leave you with this…

Yes. Well, don’t forget to get vaccinated. And bring the good Doctor something he’ll find useful. Like Oil of Olay.

Will someone give me a facial while I’m lying here?
DAME Angela Petrelli