So now I’m dead

Well, my disciples. It has finally happened. Yes, I am dead. I didn’t really want to go. I used to pretend to be sad and stoic, but really, I loved being immortal. The booze. The women. Now there’s monkey poop being thrown at me. But let me start over from the beginning…

In the beginning, I was born and raised in an impoverished village in some muddy hill place. At the tender age of 7, my mother sold me to the circus for whiskey. She said I looked funny. Her alcohol problem always impaired her vision.

When I was 17, I left to work on a Dutch trading ship. I thought I would get to see the world, meet new people, maybe make some long-lasting relationships. Back then I had feelings. How naive I was. How very, very, naive.

By the age of 24, I was well-versed in the native tongue of Japan. This was a very useful skill, as a trader. I was always very quick in both mind and body, one of the many wonderful things about me that are now lost forever. In any case, my well-versity was of great interest to some merchants who wanted to do some business in the isolated country.

But on my 2nd trip to the island nation, I skipped out on the translating gig and made my way as a rogue (a devilish one) and a bandit (a charming one, of course)–until, that is, I discovered there were better ways to make a dime. In the figurative sense, of course, they didn’t have dimes in feudal Japan.

I moonlighted as great hero Takezo Kensei, of course leaving all the bloodshed to someone else and all the credit to me. It was a good life…that is, until Hiro Nakamura entered the picture and mucked things up. Hiro, if you’re out there, I still blame you for everything, you know. At least it was thanks to him I discovered my ability.

A man reborn in bitterness and spite, with murder in his undying heart, I did the only thing I could…I sought out my mother. She was my one last tie to the human race. Unfortunately, the witch had found me first, taken all my possessions, and fled to unknown whereabouts. I cursed her and moved on.

From there, I wandered from place to place according to whim. Imagine my placid delight when I found other people like me. People I could use for my vision of a new world. Alas, this didn’t work out. You know the story. They turned on me, like they always do. Called a villain, a nuisance, a megalomaniac (where ever did they get that notion?) I was thrown away like a piece of trash you just can’t seem to get rid of.

And then I finally escape, thinking I had finally exacted my revenge. How disappointed to find that it was not, in fact, myself who was the mastermind behind it all, but Arthur Petrelli.

Moments before my doom, I realized with a numb horror what was about to happen to me.

I went for the door, but I was held back and brought to the table, screaming my head off the whole way.

“I’ll give you money! I’ll give you contacts! I’ll kill your wife! I’ll kill anyone you want!”

I held onto the leg of my oppressor as I was dragged to Arthur’s bed, kicking and shouting.

“I’ll house your mistresses! I’ll bootleg videos! I’ll give you my body! You can do whatever you want with it!”

Except, of course, what he was about to do. I became desperate.

“I’ll make you a custard pie! I’ll style your hair! I’ll wash your feet! I’ll shine your shoes!”

But it was too late.

He grabbed me by the arm and all my youth and vitality started to be sapped away from me. I shuddered as my worst nightmare came true–I was becoming old.

After I collapsed into a pile of sparkly dust, I woke up to find myself in front of the pearly gates. Oh well, I thought, at least I went out in a dignified manner. I let myself in, and found myself inundated with clouds, harp music, and monkey angels. I’ve been flying around for the past half hour, getting poo chucked at me, but I think it’s about time to choke a monkey.

There. I’m back. I just strangled one, but it seems to me, judging by the flames now leaping up around me, that the big guy wasn’t very pleased. I’ll show him, though, you just wait.

So anyway, horned demons flying about, annoying unearthly screams, I guess this must be Hell. First thing I’m going to do is find my mother and throw her into a pit. Next, I’m going to find a way to break out of here. I at least have to haunt Arthur Petrelli to his dying day. Fool thinks he can just take my youthful powers away and be done with it. I’m way better looking than him.

That’s all for now, and probably for a while. Do you know how hard it is to get internet access around here? So I’m going to sign off, and get to work. Angela, I hope you get that horrible husband of yours in the end. Peter, stop cutting yourself. Nathan, I entrust the beautiful women of the world to your wooing. It’s up to you now. Tracy, I don’t know you very well, but you’re smoking. You’ll get over Nathan’s ways. Mohinder, get a vet. Maya, may you be tormented with ash and carrion. Horn Rimmed Glasses Man, I always liked your shoot first policy.

I don’t have time for the rest of you, but wish me luck, or I just might put a word in for you to the horned guy. Signing off from the depths of hell, the world’s one true God…

Me (Adam Monroe)