Fear Me, Ugly People

For no longer am I a mere mild-mannered-but-still-divinely-gorgeous hottie.

I am now Tracy Strauss, superhero hottie, and you can kiss my divinely-gorgeous butt.

In case you’re wondering, the fly-headed person that I stand triumphantly over is a representation of Dr. Mohinder “Turning Into That Guy From The Fly” Suresh, who was both more useless and more hideous than I’d expected. Not only did he have gross scale/carapace-like growths on his back (along with people webbed up in his lab like something from Animal Planet), but he drugged both me and my almost-as-hot-as-me boss and fellow mutant Senator Nathan Petrelli and stuck us on very unflatteringly gray lab tables.

I suspect he wanted to eat us. Or worse, put us on Ambush Makeover.

Eurgh. Now that is evil.

Anyway, I was lying there on the medical table, and the doctor starts rambling to himself, as all good mad scientists do, about world domination and ultimate power and all that jazz. Well, at least that’s what I assume he was saying… it might also have been the lyrics to “I Feel Pretty,” with every fourth word replaced by “extraordinary abilities.” I’m not really sure.

Then I realized – that was all the ugly fly-doctor really wanted. He wanted to feel pretty again. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw the rainbow-colored My Little Pony scarf in the corner. Obviously, it had been the doctor’s once, but now refused to adorn his ugly insectile neck, and that had driven him to evil.

My keen political mind began to churn, drawing upon all my experiences with Governor Malden. I remembered the lessons I had learned while enduring his company, and brought to the surface the tried-and-tested strategy that had worked so many times before.

“Sleep with me!” I shouted.

The ugly fly-doctor swiveled around and stared at me, with surprisingly not-compound eyes. “When the siren call of the gray metal bed sounds,” he began to rant, “even the most transformed and inhuman of minds finds it difficult to resist. When the very quintessence of lost humanity and luxury forsaken takes the form of a blond femme fatale and her trusty pearl necklace, still we must press forward, denying ourselves even the temptation to drink in her radiant countenance. But then, are we not remiss in our duty to fulfill that most basic and rudimentary of life’s functions, which is to reproduce? Are we not obligated as a species to-“

“Hurry up! My gorgeousness won’t last all day!” I lied. Who was I kidding – my gorgeousness will never go away.

Still, it fooled the fly-man, who came up to me and began drooling (thankfully not on me). He grabbed my arm, stroking it with his nasty gooey fingers, and I made a mental note to take at least five showers if I survived. “Alas, sometimes the choice is made for us,” the rant continued, “by the caprices of cruel fate and transient beauty as fleeting and precious as the-“

“Hi-yah! Ice Girl Power Action!” I cried, grabbing his repulsive arm in my hand (note: ten showers) and freezing him solid. The freak unleashed a barrage of profanity that would probably have insulted me if I could hear any of it from under the ice. Luckily, it was not, so I was able to ignore it and concentrate on freezing my shackles and getting myself free. Then I turned to my shirtless boss, ogled him for about half a second, and froze his restraints off too! I had saved the day!

Then the table came flying at us, and the day was no longer saved.

Got to go now – I think Suresh has nearly freed himself from the ice, and I must use my superhero gorgeousness to defeat him. And after that, Senator Petrelli and I will begin our crusade to rid the world of ugliness, one ambiguously-mutated doctor at a time.

XOXO,
Superhero Tracy Strauss