OMG guys, hi, I’m back! My gosh, like, soooo much has happened since I talked to y’all last, but first things first, I have a confession to make, and I’m like totally embarrassed to make it. You know all my brain eating? Well, eating brains really doesn’t give me powers. I just have to like, look at them, ‘n junk. I know, boring right?
Yeah. So, I don’t eat brains to gain powers…I eat them because they taste good! I try to diet to keep myself off them, but I can’t! I can’t stop eating those brains! Brain sandwiches, brain sundaes, brain-ka-bobs! I can’t stop! See? I’m even eating one as I type! See?
Anyways, now that that’s off my bosom, I can continue my story! So, I like, skull-chopped annoying Claire, right? I would have eaten her brain, but I had just finished eating my spinach and was full.
So, anyways, I got her power. Like, yay! I can’t die! I’m as invulnerable as a pane of glass! So now I can do what I’ve dreamed of doing for my entire life…Reenact my favorite movie deaths!
So, first, I went out to the Deep Blue Sea. In the water with a pool of chum surrounding me, I recited a touching melodramatic speech, like Samuel Jackson, that would lure my predator to me: “Oh my gosh, this water is so cold! My nips are as hard as a block of cheese! They could cut paper! Hurry up, sharky!” Wasn’t my speech deep?!
Luckily, sharky listened.
After being digested and regenerated, I formed a mind hemorrhoid on the shark, and jumped through! I ran off to my next movie death scene!
For this death, I had to befriend a young, weiner child.
Yeah that’s him. “Hey kid,” I asked him, when I found him, “Wanna be my friend?”
“Are you trying to molest me?”
“No! Posing as a Catholic Priest was Plan A! I’m onto Plan B now!”
“And what would that be?” he asked.
“I’ll buy you beer! And we can go get like, super drunk at that steel factory down the street!”
“Sweet, I’m in,” he said, following me.
After emerging from the convenient store with the beer, I took him to a steel factory. As he sat, drinking his beer, I revealed to him, “John, I’m sorry, but I must destroy myself.”
“Dude, my name’s not John. Are you sure you’re not trying to molest me?”
“I cannot self terminate,” I continued, “You must lower me into the steel.” I grabbed onto a metal chain hanging over a pit of molten steel, and handed him the controls.
He shrugged, and pressed the button. I started going down! Oh, the drama! If only I had my own Terminator as a boy, maybe I wouldn’t have turned out the sick, twisted freak I am today! Good thing I never had a Terminator!
As my body entered the steel, I began to melt. I gave a thumbs up heroically as I reached my death.
OMG, I like, melted away! But then I totally regenerated! I climbed out, and onto the platform that the weiner kid sat on. He was sitting silently.
“I’m not dead, weiner kid! I’m alive! I’m really alive!”
He didn’t say anything.
“Weiner kid? Isn’t it like, totally sweet that I can’t die?”
Then it came to me. I had chopped open weiner kid’s skull as I was going down into the steel! And he can’t regenerate! Only I can! I forgot! He was dead. Whoops! Oh well. I quickly ate his brain and frolicked away.
Anyways, I had one last movie death to live out! And this was going to be like, super awesome!
I went to Area 51, and found the Ark of the Covenant! I opened it.
Like, hot, sexy ghosts started flying about the room like constipated flying eels. “It’s beautiful!” I shouted with a giggle. I tried to skull chop them, but failed. I wanted to eat ghost brains!
Well, the ghosties didn’t seem to like my attempted murder of them, so they murdered me! My face totally melted off!
That was fun! But after regenerating and doing that a few more times, I got bored of killing myself. Killing yourself is alright, but killing others, now that’s real fun!
Unfortunately, I can’t do either right now, because I like, um, got caught, again. I know, sad, right? The good news, though, is that the boss girlie said that I might get to play with Mr. Glasses! Hooray! We can murder people together, and then, I can totally murder…I mean, snuggle with…him!
There won’t be any playing, Gabriel. I’ll make sure of that. I even took my bouncy ball from my cell, just so you wouldn’t have a toy in there.
Since you’re not eating the brains to get powers, maybe you should lay off the brains… Have you ever tried tuna?
Damn, I wish I could die. No I don’t, I love being me.
My dear boy; that shark looks pretty ferocious. I think we should recruit it, no?
Why didn’t I think of that? Instead of wasting my time complaining how different I am, almost getting raped, crashing myself into a car, fighting with my father, flying to new york to meet my father and uncle, and dating a boyfriend no body likes, I should have done that. You’re a genious Sylar, I’m glad you took my brain!
OMG! I have doppleganagers now. Life really does suck. 🙁
^Yes it does, my clone, yes it does.