Sylar’s Bachelor: And The Winner Is…

It’s like, finally over! You’ve all sent in your votes and the decision has been made! Now, it’s time to inform the winner of his/her victory!

I like, sat up in my room in Sylar’s Mansion, completely naked, laying on my bed. There were like, scented candles, satin sheets, and a brain in a cooler in the corner of the room with instructions on how to give yourself powers lol.

I had sent a note to the winner that they like, won, and I was waiting for them to get their winning butt up to the winner’s circle of winning. And by winner’s circle I meant my bed. And by winning, I meant sex.

The door creaked open. I waited with anticipation, when a masculine, muscular figure emerged.

“Agent Hanson?” I asked, inquisitionally (I’m smart enough to use big words like that lol), “You’re not supposed to be here!”

“No, Gabriel, it’s me, your old pal, Mr. Glasses, the winner. I’ve come to um…you know…the birds and bees, but with some equipment missing.”

“Oh Mr. Glasses! You look especially manly tonight! Anyways, the way I look at it is that we have like, extra equipment!”

Mr. Glasses shuddered. “Well, Gabriel, I’m happy to say, that we won’t be doing any of that,” he pulled out a gun.

Ooooh, sex toys!, I thought! But before I could drop my pants, Mr. Glasses like, totally shot me in the head, and I fell into our catered dinner, dead!

Lol, just kidding. I’m way too smart for that! I thought ahead! I sent an agent of like, deception and shadow to find out the intentions of these two finalists, and when I found out they were working against me, I sent him as my replacement! And, seeing as how this was my like, former nemesis Richard Simmons, him being murdered and saving me from being murdered killed like, two stones with one bird!

So, as Mr. Glasses kneeled over the afroed corpse, totally confused to find that it wasn’t so sexy after all, I lept into the room with the grace of a gazelle, and starting like, chopping off his head! I cracked his glasses halfway through!

“My horned rims!” Mr. Glasses shouted as I tore off his skull lol. He fell to the ground, dead. As he hit the ground, his broken glasses fell off. As they did, I noticed something. That totally wasn’t Mr. Glasses!

“So, Sylar, it appears my overestimating of you paid off. What are the odds?” I heard a voice from behind me. I turned to see Mr. Glasses’ sexy face, pointing a gun at me. “Using what’s his name as bait worked perfectly, even if I had to break a pair of my favorite glasses, it was worth it.”

“Uh, you like, got your son killed for this trap? Lol that’s kinda funny, sounds like somethin I would do, Mr. Glasses!”

“Yeah, well, we have Claire’s blood to use on him if she doesn’t mind getting pricked.”

“Flyboy West seems to get away with it.”

“Lol,” said Mr. Glasses. He smiled at me, and I smiled back at him and said “ROFL.” “ROFLMAO!” he responded, and then shot at me.

Using my sloth-like reflexes, I caught the bullet with my mind trick! With tears in my eyes, I asked, “Why? Mr. Glasses? We were sharing a laugh, and you use my moment of weakness and love to take advantage of me and try to kill me! I loved you, but you smashed my love, smashed it like a knife slicing bread!”

Then I mind-threw the bullet at him, and it like, hit him in the side, lol. He winced, and yelled, “NOOooOOOcooOOoOOO! I’ve been pwned! Pwned worse than a Counterstrike n00b!”

“Don’t worry, I’m like, not going to kill you,” I said. “I’m going to punish you much worse than that! I’m going to spare you, so that you know that you blew your one chance on being with a sexy guy like me, that I’m still out there, but you can never have me. That, and I mind-trick shot you in the kidney so you’ll have to get it removed and need to pee like, all the time, hehe, I’m so cruel.”

I turned away from him. “Goodbye, Mr. Glasses, and remember me as the one that got away.” And with that, I jumped out the fourth story window! Halfway through my fall I remembered that only Future Sylar had the power to fly, not lil ol’ me, so I regretted my sexy decision when I hit the ground and broke both of my legs lol.

Luckily, though, something broke my fall, or it may have been a lot worse! Whatever it was had blonde hair and an FBI badge. Hmmm, I guess the mystery with never ever be solved! As I crawled away in pain, I yelled, “I’ll be back! I’ll force someone to love me or they’ll die! On Sylar’s Bachelor 2! Lol!”

Meanwhile, Mr. Glasses was crying about losing me up in my bedroom. “Where’s West? He needs to stop pricking my daughter and start pricking me!”