“You what?” the chief bellowed.
“It’s all right there in the after action report, sir.” I indicated to the paperwork. “That’s exactly how it went down.”
“No no no no no, Hanson,” he replied gruffly. “Explain it all to me. Explain it all nice and slow so when I go home tonight and kiss my wife and pet my dog and my wife says to me ‘Hey honey, how was your day?’ I don’t have to answer that I kicked a deranged lunatic out of my office on her white, pasty tushie!”
“That’s what happened,” I insisted.
“Just… explain it,” he growled on the verge of exasperation.
“OK, this is what happened,” I began. I thought back to my actions of the past several months and what went down at the end of the Sylar’s Bachelor show. “As you know, I was one of twelve contestants. It was a tough competition, much tougher than when I was shot putting in college.”
“Get to it.”
“I worked my way through all the competitors, and it was a… an unusual bunch I have to tell you,” I continued. “There were little girls and 500 year old men and some kind of space vampire or something. Anyway, there was one guy with these goofy glasses who looked pretty straight up to me. In fact, he almost looked like a fed himself but I knew he wasn’t because all he freaking talked about was paper. Paper this and stationery that. He went on and on, I tell you.
“He’s the only guy there that I determined was even remotely trustworthy,” I explained. “I knew that when it came time to take Sylar down, we’d only have minutes to act, so I recruited him to help me. I loaned him my gun—”
“You just gave him your piece?” Chief asked furiously.
“Not my issued handgun, one of my extras,” I clarified. “So I work my way through the competition, and it was something I tell you. I had dinner with his dead mother, I dated Carla Gallo (which was pretty hot, I admit), and I made the greatest all girl boy band evah!”
“Ever?”
“Ev-ah!” I said. “We get down to the last two contestants and guess who it turns out to be after all? The goofball in the glasses and me. At this point, I am dismayed to report that he won, but despite that, I knew it was my duty to get to Sylar. So we have our plan: Bennet flushes Sylar out and then we take him down.”
“Bennet?”
“Yeah, that was the glasses guy’s name,” I shrugged. “Noah Bennet, I believe.”
“Noah Bennet…” The Chief scratched his chin as if he was trying to remember something.
“Do you know him?”
“Nope, never met him. Go on.”
“So I’m all decked out and ready to go and I’m standing outside under the window waiting for Bennet’s signal when all of a sudden something comes flying out of it and lands right on top of me. It turns out that Bennet went rogue on the op and it was Sylar who flew out the window. The impact fractured my spleen and sprained my thighs.”
“Fractured your spleen,” the chief repeated.
“Yeah, I almost died from Spleenal Contusion,” I added. “You know SC.”
“The silent killer,” my boss replied under his breath.
“I think Sylar’s legs broke from the fall, so he crawls off and I can’t stand so crawl right after him. Did you know that I won best low crawler back in Langley?” I asked.
“I am aware of your record.”
“So I crawled right after him yelling ‘Freeze FBI!’ in a loud, clear voice so he could hear me.”
“That’s procedure,” he admitted.
“I was close to him, so close.” I balled up my fist and clenched my jaw at the thought. “I was right on top of him when all of a sudden, everything went black.”
“Everything went black,” the chief repeated.
“Next thing I know, I’m in the middle of the desert,” I said. “I mean, in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but this burlap sack of a dress and no Sylar to be found anywhere. So I looked up to the heavens and I called out ‘I’ll get you Sylar! I’ll get you if I have to chase you across the globe or into space or on Sylar’s Bachelor 2! And when I do, I’m going to grab that ruggedly handsome yet disconcertingly creepy face of yours and I’m going to bring it to justice for the crimes you’ve committed, you crazy, special person who just wants to be held, lol!’”
The chief looked at me.
“That’s what happened,” I said. “That’s everything.”
The chief looked at me in silence for a moment.
“Get the hell out of my office!” he roared.
“But what abou—”
“Just get out! I don’t want to hear any more!”
I didn’t go rogue. My job was to get him to jump out the window. You were supposed to be waiting with a butterfly net.
Butterfly net? Butterfly net? I’ll butterfly net you!