Devastating Letter & Meeting My Future Mother- In-Law?

After receiving the challenge from Sylar, I went back to my room to pick out my suit for the evening and make a few phone calls. There was a letter laying on my bed addressed to the Hot Congressman. Thinking it was from Sylar, I ripped it open only to discover it was a warning from an unidentified friend. The letter said, “Your continued sexual exploits are turning off Sylar. You must remain celibate for the rest of the competition or he’ll eat your brain without even sleeping with you.” Naturally, after I looked up celibate in the dictionary, I was appalled! I’ve never gone more than 12 hours without a booty call, and how was I going to win over Sylar’s Mother if I couldn’t seduce her? I decided to put my worries on hold and get back to the business at hand. I got on the phone with my favorite restaurant, Mangeons les poissons. [Let Us Eat the Fish] I do a lot of business with them, so I knew they would go the extra mile. When Pierre answered, I asked for the Petrelli package number four, which is the win them over but don’t sleep with them package, and jumped in the shower to prepare for my evening.

Two hours later, I went downstairs and noticed Pierre had already set up the dinner table and the wine was chilling. Mrs. Sylar’s Mom was sitting at the table already with a pair of scissors sticking out of her chest. I suavely approached the table and kissed her hand while mentioning, “I see where Sylar gets his devilish good looks.” When she didn’t respond, I remembered I was supposed to use the Ouija board to reanimate her. I sat across from her body and enticed her soul to appear by offering her a dinner with the hottest politician in the world. Her body immediately reanimated, and she looked all around before saying, “Hey, I thought George W. Bush was here!” I paused and thought to myself, “No wonder he stabbed her.” But aloud, I only said, “He’s having his clock cleaned.”

This got her attention back on me. “Is my Gabriel doing the job? He is quite the genius with everything relating to clocks.” I stammered out a yes and attempted to turn the conversation back to the wonderfulness of me. I needed her approval so I could get into Sylar’s…Wait…If I have to remain celibate, can I get it on with Sylar? Surely he will let me break the rules with him…

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Mrs. Sylar’s Mom clearing her throat. “Are you listening to me, young man? I want to know what your intentions are toward my Gabriel.”

I opened my mouth to tell her about all the places I would take him and all the brains I would provide for him to eat; but before I could speak, Elle stuck her head around the doorway and blew me a kiss. I heard Mrs. Sylar’s Mom sigh loudly. I apologized to her for being distracted, and told her that her beauty was overwhelming and it was interfering with my ability to concen… HOLY MOTHER OF BOTCHY BALLS.

The look on Mrs. Sylar’s Mom’s face changed from flattered smile to confusion. She had already noticed that I was looking over her shoulder so she turned around to see what was going on…I tried to stop her but she turned around just in time to see Elle walking by wearing some sort of bondage outfit. She was shimmying and shaking things that really make me happy to see shimmied and shook. Thank God she wasn’t sucking on her finger anymore. I apologized to Mrs. Sylar’s Mom and told her I would get rid of Elle, whose beauty pales in comparison with her own.
I jumped up, crossed the room, spanked Elle’s bottom a few times, told her I would be back to finish her spanking later, & shoved her into the closet. I had to hurry up and finish impressing Mrs. Sylar’s Mom, before Elle realized I wasn’t coming. I dread telling her that I can’t see her until the competition is over. I feel an electrocution coming on…

I returned to the table to find Mrs. Sylar’s Mom looking at the scissors protruding from her chest. She looked at me and asked how they got there. Well, I didn’t want to be the one to rat out Sylar. He would never love me if I did that. So I said, “I don’t know, but all the models in France are wearing them now. It’s the latest trend.” She seemed rather surprised by that, but she bought it. The rest of the meal was without a lot of hassle. We talked; and I outlined the trip across Europe I wanted to take with Sylar. I also mentioned some of the celebrity brains I was lining up for him. She seemed pretty satisfied with all my answers. Although I did get the impression she didn’t know about the brain eating part of Sylar’s life. Oh well, I thought I needed to seal the deal ASAP, so I told her I had a gift for her before our dinner ended. Her eyes lit up at the word gift, I snapped my fingers at the waiter who opened the door for two burly men carrying this:

If I have any regret at all, it’s that I couldn’t get the globe to say, “Sylar, Get into it.” Alas, it was too short on notice, but I hope this helps me nail this challenge…Especially, since I can’t nail anything else until the competition is over.

4 Comments

  1. What a lovely gift.

    If Sylar doesn’t like it, can I use it for target practice?

  2. Now mommy knows I eat brains?! Oh well, at least my secret of painting the future in her blood is still intact.

  3. Agent Hanson: I might put that snow globe in my room, sorry.

    Sylar: Sorry, I was trying to keep my mouth shut about so many other things.

  4. …I’m sorry, I couldn’t concentrate after seeing that picture of Elle. So hot. My brain is mush.

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