My fellow competitors and blog readers, I am currently in the pokey, the big house, the slammer even. I guess you are probably wondering how that happened. Well… let me start from the beginning when the second challenge was announced by Sylar. I have to admit, I just couldn’t believe it. We were to find a celebrity, love them, and then leave them… 
My God, it was as though I had trained my entire life for that moment. I couldn’t imagine anyone better at lovin’ and leavin’ than me. There was only one problem. I didn’t know any real celebrities, but there were plenty of politicians I could seduce. I spent a few moments contemplating the rules of the game and wondered if Sylar would accept a politician as a celebrity. Once those moments passed, I decided I couldn’t go through with that one. I wanted my first man on man experience to be with Sylar and chucked the whole idea. Of course, this put me back at square one. How could I meet a celebrity?
Well if there is one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that celebrities’ love plastic surgery. All I had to do was fly myself out to Hollywood and scout out a prominent doctor; and just as I had expected, I arrived to find a plethora of hot famous chicks going in and out of the office. I knew that these chicks would never believe I needed plastic surgery, but I figured I could play the low self-esteem card and they would be all over me.
Anyway, I was so focused on my cover story, I almost missed her, but I looked up just in time to see her enter. My heart skipped a beat. Before me, my favorite all time celebrity w
as standing. Even now, she makes me go all fanboy. Like Sqiggy from Laverne and Shirley, I had to bite my wrist to show my appreciation. After Natie, that’s what I call her in my mind, went into the office, I took a deep breath and followed her inside. I watched her pick up a form at the front desk and find a seat. I waited for a moment and then went to the front desk to ask for my own form. While the nurse was getting it for me, I continued to watch my prey. I felt like a hawk staring at a small chick. “hehehe” Chick, get it? Like Dixie…Dixie Chick…Get it?
as standing. Even now, she makes me go all fanboy. Like Sqiggy from Laverne and Shirley, I had to bite my wrist to show my appreciation. After Natie, that’s what I call her in my mind, went into the office, I took a deep breath and followed her inside. I watched her pick up a form at the front desk and find a seat. I waited for a moment and then went to the front desk to ask for my own form. While the nurse was getting it for me, I continued to watch my prey. I felt like a hawk staring at a small chick. “hehehe” Chick, get it? Like Dixie…Dixie Chick…Get it? I was brought back to the moment by the nurse clearing her throat. I turned my attention back toward her only to notice an incredulous look on her face. She said, “You can’t need a form sir.” I gave her my best smile and said, “Even the most perfect person can have self-confidence issues.” She looked at me for a few seconds longer and shaking her head passed me the form.
I made my way to my “squee”… I mean to Natie. She was concentrating on her form so much she didn’t notice me, so I cleared my throat and started with my small talk. “Hi there Ms. Maines.” She looked up and smiled but didn’t say anything, so I tried again. “It is very scary to meet with one of these doctors for the first time. (I had to make sure she knew it was my first visit to a plastic surgeon because I didn’t want her to think my extraordinary looks were the result of previous surgery.)
As expected, she looked up again in surprise and said, “You’re here to see the doctor for yourself?” I gave her a shy smile and pretended that I was degraded as a child and made to feel like less of man by my mother and father…(Essentially, I repeated some of the things Mumzie and Father always said to Petey.) She kept looking up toward the nurse at the front desk as I told my tale. I could tell she was afraid the doctor would come to take me away for surgery before she could talk me out of it. I edged a little closer to her and was about
to suggest a way for her to “raise” my self-esteem, when the police burst through the front office with their weapons drawn.
to suggest a way for her to “raise” my self-esteem, when the police burst through the front office with their weapons drawn. I’m sure you can imagine my surprise to realize they were pointing their guns at me! I stammered out the question, “Wh..What’s the problem officer?” They just yelled at me to shut up and keep my hands where they could see them. I slowly began to realize, they thought I was harassing Ms Maines, so I just told them I was making small talk while waiting to see the doctor. The leading officer snorted and said, “You expect us to believe you were here for a doctor’s appointment.” I pulled out smile number 49 and said, “Well sir, we all have our crosses to bear.” The officers looked at each other and then the larger one stepped forward and asked, “Sir! Exactly what do you think a Gynecologist can do for you?”…
…*Chirp *Chirp *Chirp … Ummm. Well, I’m sure you can I imagine I didn’t have a reply ready for that question. For a brief moment, I thought all was lost. Fortunately for me, Natie likes an underdog and came to my defense while they were pushing my face into the carpet and putting on the cuffs. The officers decided to release me into her custody as long as I promised to never walk into a Gyno Office ever again. I gave my promises and my apologies as expected.
After leaving the doctor’s office, Natie and I climbed into the back of her limo, where I briefly forgot myself and slipped into fanboy mode again. She brushe
d my compliments to the side and said, “I have a feeling you have “Very” special abilities.” Well, what could I say? It was totally true, so we started making out and doing all sorts of things that I’d love to tell you about but she made me sign a privacy disclosure statement. Unfortunately before we got to the big moment, I remembered Sylar saying we had to seduce and dump. The thing is…I wasn’t sure if seduction meant going all the way, or getting them close to all the way and then dumping them before the deed was done. I decided to err on the side of caution, so I excused myself and went to the bathroom.
d my compliments to the side and said, “I have a feeling you have “Very” special abilities.” Well, what could I say? It was totally true, so we started making out and doing all sorts of things that I’d love to tell you about but she made me sign a privacy disclosure statement. Unfortunately before we got to the big moment, I remembered Sylar saying we had to seduce and dump. The thing is…I wasn’t sure if seduction meant going all the way, or getting them close to all the way and then dumping them before the deed was done. I decided to err on the side of caution, so I excused myself and went to the bathroom. What happened next was the hardest thing in the world for me….I left before getting satisfaction. That has never happened in my life. As I climbed out of the bathroom window and flew away, a small tear dropped from my perfectly beautiful eyes. I decided to walk off my frustration so I landed about a block from the hotel and began to walk. My body walked with no instruction from my mind, and I found myself outside of my favorite restaurant with my nose stuck to the glass. (They say sex and sustenance are two basic human needs. Did you know that?)
Anyway, I stood there for a moment and then went inside. I felt vaguely nauseous; the aroma somehow reminding me of the evening that might have been. On an impulse, I grabbed a plate from another patron and held it to my nose, this is what I like to call, “the next best thing.”I could hear the other patrons mumbling to themselves and decided I needed to stop torturing myself and return to the mansion, but before I could move, I heard a familiar voice. It was the police officer from the Gyno Office. I slowly turned around to look him in the eye. He just stared at me in disgust and said, “You are one sick ba$t@rd, but I can’t wait to hear your explanation…So tell me. Why do you have your nose stuck in a plate of Sushi?”
Well, I’m sure you can imagine…I didn’t really know how to explain that one either…The good news is, I called an “old” friend and she is going to wire me bail money, so I’m sure I’ll be back at the mansion in time for the next challenge. (If I’m not voted off, that is…)
You’d be amazed how much cleavage generation powers can get you an appointment with a gyno!
You want me to put in a good word with Lt. Dangle there? I’ll do it, but it’ll cost you… 😉
You like raw fish Mr. Congressman? How funny, I just love raw squirrel.
Sylar: If only you had been there….If only…
Agent Hanson: If I can pay you without my clothes on, we may be able to work something out. (bring your friend.)
Maya: Squirrel…ewww
Politicians love ’em chunky.