They Blowed Me Up!!

It’s true! I predicted it too!!!!

Some of you may remember my investigative report on Xploding Xboxes. We all know that an Xbox is less of a gaming console and more a computer designed to network the entire world’s secrets together in one mainframe to give The Company total control over your lives!!!

And it just so happened I was in that mainframe. What was I doing there?!?!?!? Fighting the bad guys! Spitting in the metaphorical face of product integration!!! Flirting with a hot cyber-dude named Richard Drucker!! Flirting for freedom!!

Then, for some crazy reason the mainframe identified me as a virus!! Me! A virus?!?!?! How insane!!!! I am no virus, I am the cure!

Here’s a virus:

And here’s me!:

Sure! There are similarities….we’re both nice and fit, and okay, maybe I have a big head….but look how different we are!! I have no tail fibers!!!

There was no time to complain!! Chuck had already began downloading the Intersect into his head!!! And that meant that an explosion would soon follow!!!

“Let’s get out of here!!!” I screamed at Drucker as he was about to propose to me.

We took off running, but ran into a firewall.

“Oh, no! A dead end,” Drucker announced. As we turned around, I could see a large paper clip with eyes.

“Stand aside, Clippy!” I commanded.

“I can help. What are you trying to do?” it replied.

At first, I fell for its deception. “We need to get out of here,” I answered.

“I can’t let you do that, Dave,” it replied and began triggering a defrag on us. Drucker and I managed to dodge the moving file clusters.

“Over here!” Drucker yelled. We jumped into a hidden folder.

“Where are we?” I said, looking around at all the naked women.

“It must be Bob’s personal files…”

We quickly escaped onto the Desktop where a delightful game of Solitaire was happening. Drucker wanted to stay and watch, but I said, “We have to get out of here! It’s going to blow!”

I grabbed his non-physical hand and jumped onto the floppy disk drive just as the mainframe exploded. It was a long shot, taking a chance on such outdated technology. I was never happier to see a three-inch floppy in my life.