The Return of Santa Sylar!

OMG! It was time for an old fashioned Sexy Sylar killing spree! I was craving brains! I’d gotten all anorexic ‘n junk from not eating any! I needed to get that hot figure eight back so I could fill out my hot bodices again! Lol!

Well, in the like, holiday spirit, I thought I’d let my alter Eggo (mmm, brain-covered waffles) out for a bit! No, not Easter bunny Sylar! He’s for Easter, silly! Where’d you get that crazy idea, gosh? Not Easter bunny Sylar! Santa Sylar!

I know what you’re thinking. Santa? That’s totally unsexy. And you’re right, lol! He’s fat and old and probably smells like John Madden! Or even worse, he probably IS John Madden! NOoooOOocOOooO! But what do you want from me? I’m a boy-loving, girl-lover in denial, cross-dressing, brain eating cereal killer! Those are all very sexy things! Can’t I have one unsexy thing in my life? Sheesh! Besides, the cuteness of Easter bunny Sylar totally cancels out John Maddenness!

Anyways, I went to my local mall and set up shop (by that I mean kill real fatty McSanta, become imposter sexy Santa, and kill a few peeps when no one was lookin’). There were too many hot moms with their kids, and not enough hot dads! Plus, they were all givin’ me the evil eye!

“What kind of decorations are these?” one stupidly asked about my sexy decorating job! “Well, I never!” said a lady that I would later kill in the parking lot, lol.

Many started to take their kids out of the line 🙁 which makes me sad because kid brain is the bestest of all brain! Think veal, except brain-style! I mean, how could it not be good? Anyways! One mommy was drunk and let her daughter, Kawaii, sit on my sexy lap. We took a picture!

“And what would you like for Christmas, little girl, lol?” I asked her, getting ready to tear her skull off!

“A two piece bikini, a mini skirt, a tube top that shows my middrift, oh and a thong.”

Gosh! What requests! I lowered my finger which I had like, readied to super mind trick her. “You want…sexiness for Christmas?”

“Duh,” said the lil tramp.

She was like my twin! All I ever wanted for Christmas was to dress like a ho. But my mommy and daddy never let me! Puritans! If they had let me be a Sexy Sylar, I would have never become the insane brain-eating cereal killer that I am! I’d be sexy! Instead of sexily insane! Great, now I like, could relate to someone! And I couldn’t kill someone who reminded me of the greatest person of all: me!

“You got it, skank,” I said with a tear. “Have a candy cane.”

The lil girl took it from me and licked it. “Ewww, that’s gross. This doesn’t taste like a candy cane.”

“Um, let me see that,” I said. The girl handed it back to me.

“Oh, lol. That’s a Sylar candy cane. It’s brain flavored,” I winked.

“Who’s Sylar?”

“Me, silly!”

“But you’re Santa.”

“Sylar is Santa’s real name!” I responded smartly.

“No it’s not!”

“Yes it is!” I responded with total maturity!

“No it’s not!”

“Yes it is!” I was totally winning the argument, lol.

“No it’s not!”

Damn! She was good! The lil girl was about to find out the secret of Christmas! She was a smart one! Almost as smart as a Sylar, but not quite lol! I had to act fast to keep her from finding out, but how? I thought hard, and figured it out!

Using my super mind trick, I snapped the girl’s neck! Then, I punted her across the mall! Yay! Now she won’t know! Oh wait, I was trying not to kill her, wasn’t I? OMG! Oh well, I guess, this was just as fun!