Witness the greatest cover-up in American Idol history!

This last week has been incredibly good to me! I went to Hollywood to stalk a singer track down a singer who would lead me to Mohinder, stole Martin Scorsese’s Oscar, and Mohinder finally admitted that he wants me to bear his children. OMG! So much can happen in a week! Oh, and I got to throw a chair at Simon Cowell. That was really fun! Before American Idol is over, I’m totally going to storm the stage and sing a duet (even though I can’t sing at all. There’s a reason why I work behind the scenes on shows, and it’s not just because I don’t look good in spandex.)

But my California dreamin’ adventure was about to take an interesting turn. I was trying to decipher the anagram on the replica of the Mona Lisa. I knew there was only one person I could turn to. So I got on the phone and called my old history professor from college:

He knew about historical anagrams and everything. Perhaps he could help me decipher just what it meant. His name’s Professor Teabing. I can’t tell you what his first name is. I mean, I know it, but you’d never believe me. Anyways, I called him up and told him it was a matter of great importance.

Me: I was at the Oscars the other night and bore witness to something I shouldn’t have seen. It was an anagram written across a replica of the Mona Lisa. I must know what it means!

First I must ask you three questions, Svetlana. It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other that I must verify your identity and make sure that your actions are just and true. WHAT…is your favorite color?

Me: Pink.

WHAT…is the average air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Ha! I’ll bet he thought he was going to get me with that one. Well, I was already one step ahead! I’d actually studied that very question in one of my math classes! I already had my answer prepared.

Me: Oh, that’s easy. The average unladen European swallow flies at approximately ten meters per second.

Very good, young padawan. Now, one last question. WHAT…is the level of your Dungeon Master?

Me: …Dungeon Masters don’t have levels. You’re such a dork.

Well, I do have to keep up appearances you know! Now, the most important question. What kind of tea shall we drink? English breakfast tea or Earl Grey?

Me: I’m more of an Earl Grey girl.

Lemon or cream?

Me: …Lemon.

Good choice!

And so off to Gandalf’s I mean, Professor Teabing’s house I went.

I also managed to pick up a friend along the way as I trudged through the streets of Hollywood on my quest to uncover the greatest cover up in American Idol history!

Me: I’ve been entrusted with a quest of great importance, Sam! I must travel to lands vast and wide — almost as vast and wide as my upper torso. I’m so glad that you decided to team up with me. You’re such a great friend!

We cannot allow the ring to fall into the hands of Sylar! With it, he would marry Mohinder and bring about the end of all time!

Me: We must make the trek to Gandalf’s Professor Teabing’s house by dawn. And Hollywood is a frightening time at night. We will have to travel through the Enchanted Forest…

Not the Enchanted forest! That nightclub is so frightening… I almost got buggered by a tree there once…

I silently comforted Sam as we wrested our way through the busy streets of downtown Hollywood, searching for the glorious moss-covered hill-thing that was Professor Teabing’s house. But night was falling quickly. The shadows were playing tricks on us. Sam and I soon found ourselves faced with the frightening prospect of having to make the journey through the Enchanted Forest in the middle of the night.

Me: We’re going to have to go through the Enchanted Forest, Sam. It’s the only way to make it to Professor Teabing’s house without being detected by Sylar. But I feel that it would be best if I went through it alone. You’ve traveled with me long enough, old friend. The ring is safe in my possession.

No, Mistress Svetlana! I made a promise to Professor Teabing that I would follow you no matter what! I can’t let you go alone! The ring changes people! I can’t allow it to change you!

Me: Wait — the ring? As in The Ring?! We’re going to die in seven days? Noooo! I’ll never be able to find Mohinder and marry him in seven days. (;_;)

No, not that ring! That was a video. The Ring of Power! The one ring to rule them all! The precious!

Me: Oh. Okay. So long as it’s not the “Seven days!” ring. But you can still go into the club first.

And there we stood in front of the Enchanted Forest. Sure, it looked like a fairly harmless nightclub from the outside, but the inside was full of unspeakable horrors.

We were greeted at the door by a rather large and wooden looking bouncer. It almost looked like something out of an online comic strip… Very peculiar indeed!

Me: My friend and I here would like to ask for safe passage through your nightclub, for we are on a quest of the utmost importance.

Yer friend here sure has a purty face…

;_;

Me: We are on a quest to meet with Professor Gandalf Teabing! Don’t make me destroy you!

Well, you can go, but yer friend can stay. I’d sure like to play some dueling banjos with him, if you get my meaning!

Where’s Legolas when you need him? He’s into the whole shooting projectiles at wooden trees thing! I’m just a hobbit! Why do I get stuck going on all the bad quests that involve some kind of dismemberment or slash pairings with trees?!

Then suddenly, from out of nowhere, as though a flirty and flaming elf heard Sam’s prayer, a bright pink, shining, heart-tipped arrow whizzed through the air and struck the tree where its wooden heart would have been! It stumbled around a bit, and was then promptly knocked out by me beating it with my trusty wooden spoon left over from the Oscars. And then, a rather strange-looking elf came prancing up to us, batting his eyelashes and showing off his neon pink nails. He was wearing a white dress that looked vaguely familiar… Could it be… No! It couldn’t have been Niki!

omg hai guyz! ^^ sry im late. i wuz kinda busy singin n stuff ^^

Legolas! You look…different.

i know! i just got my nailz done. they look soooo pretty! i almost broke 1 shootin that bow n arrow. ^^ i like ur hair. kin i like have ur brain? ive never had hobbit brain b4!

Just when I thought it was safe to leave, the elf’s attentions turned to the ring hanging from a chain around my neck.

i luv ur ring, ms frodo! can i try it on? ^^;

Me: Er…well. No.

why not? ;_;

Me: Because its for a friend of mine and it’s a magic ring. It can make things invisi–OH MY GOD, LOOK! IT’S MOHINDER!

OMG WHERE??!!

Me: PSYCH!

While “Legolas” was busy searching through the crowd for Mohinder, dragging Sam behind him, I made my getaway. I stole past the KO’d tree, ran into the nightclub, and searched around for the emergency exit. Once I located it, I ran outside and found myself staring across the street at the door to Professor Teabing’s house. My quest was nearly at an end! I wondered what was keeping Sam. He said he was going to finish this adventure with me. I hope he was able to keep his head about him and make it through that dreadful nightclub…

Until next week, the saga continues! Did Samwise survive and make it through the Enchanted Forest with Sylar Zane Niki Legolas? Would I ever find our true male lead? And most importantly, would I locate Mohinder? Would mr glasses remember that he was really a traveling circus performer, born to a family of famous gypsies? (Hey, if his memory is screwed, I may as well have some fun putting stuff back in there, right?)

~ Lana