Over the past week, it has been brought to my attention (via Mr. Muggles) that my inadvertent, insensitive nature could cost me at the polls. After speaking with my campaign manager, it has been determined that a new staff member will be hired. His name is Scott McClellen, and his official title is PRCC, (Public Relations Crap Corrector.) The job of a PRCC entails examining every comment that I make; and if is determined that my comment was offensive he will be responsible for explaining what I really meant say or should have said.
If the name McClellen sounds familiar to you, it may be because he used to work for our current President, Mr. Bush. Mr. McClellen’s first attempt at crap correction for the President followed this statement: “Too many OBGYNs are not able to practice their…uhh…love with women all across this country.” Mr. McClellen immediately went to work and issued a statement explaining what the President really meant to say, which was: “Women are free to practice love with the assurance that it will be possible to find a good OBGYN.” (It was a classic.) Mr. McClellen finally left his position in the White House when the amount of crap he had to correct exceeded 200 public statements a day. Now, Mr. McClellen has agreed to join my staff and will serve me in the same function as he served the President. In a statement made earlier today, Mr. McClellen said, “I do not foresee the same amount of work load, even though my friends think I have jumped from the frying pan into the fire.”
I don’t really know why I mentioned that last part. I’ll have McClellen correct that later today… Anyway, I put Mr. McClellen to work immediately and he has agreed to type out an explanation of my true sentiments to the following statements:
“I was assaulted by the most deplorable Odor. I turned around to see what was causing the smell, and that is when I saw IT…”
What Mr. Petrelli meant to say was: “I was overwhelmed by the most delightful aroma. I turned around to see what was causing the smell, and that is when I was captivated by…”
“It was the biggest rat that I have ever seen.”
What Mr. Petrelli meant to say was: “It was the most beautiful and rare breed of dog that I have ever seen.”
“I noticed it had a collar. I think it is called Mr. Muffins…I couldn’t tell; and I didn’t want to get closer…Humph…A collar…Oh…My…Lord…Do all under-privileged people domesticate their rats?”
What Mr. Petrelli meant to say was: “Help. I am being forced to say this at gun point. If I do not comply, terrorist will kill my family.”
ahaha! this is hilarious. much love.
Dear Mr. Patrelly
I thik u lyke mudkips yeash?
Help! Help! Help! Help!
He cut my hair! My hair, brother, my hair!!!!
Pete! Stay calm. I am on my way. I will not let anyone kill you, and don’t worry about the hair. I have a great barber that can help give you a more manly cut.
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=o What is a mudkip?
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em: I’m counting on your vote, move to NY and register to vote before it is too late.
i’m working on it, nathan.
and jeez peter, don’t sweat the hair, you’ll have a nice emo scar to show off!
I’m still unconvinced Mr. Petrelli. What is your stance on leprechauns?
Leprechauns…Well I’m a little frightened by them…In a very manly way, of course…Are they registered to vote?
Of course not! They’re probably illegal aliens.
You shouldn’t waste your time with Mr. Muggles. He votes straight Democrat, just like his mother.
Oh it’s wonderful to see my two precious sons protecting each other. On the Muggles scandal, I’m absolutely positively sure that Nathan meant to say something that was in fact, extremely politically correct and well meaning towards that darling show breed quality dog. Our family is most definitely pro-leprechaun, we’ve had them over to our garden parties many times over.
Peter, darling: I’ve been saying for awhile that it was time for a haircut and I’m sure that nice man who pinned that kind Indian professor to the ceiling of his own apartment was just doing you a favor.
Don’t forget Sunday brunch, sweethearts.
Thanks Mother