Help Out a Stranger?

Wow, the waffles here suck! You’d think as fat as all these people are the food would be delicious. These people would probably eat roadkill if they had the chance.

Speaking of which, I ran over a squirrel on the drive from Odessa! Yay!

But I didn’t come here to eat waffles or kill squirrels. Unfortunately I’m here on official, murder-free business.

I’m looking for a cheerleader. Claire Bennet, anyone hear of her? Personally, I don’t think she’s that important, but Thompson really wants to get her. He must have a thing for cheerleaders. If we get to torture her, it will be so cool to do it in front of the Bennets.

There was a time when I liked cheerleaders, before one broke my heart! We were best friends all through school, then she had to go and start dating the quarterback. Oh, my God, it was so cliche! It made me sick!

Then after I morphed into her and cut his intestines out with a golf pencil, she never wanted anything to do with me! I went through a lot of trouble to keep our friendship strong, and when she saw the gift I had for her, laying on the football field with his own guts in his mouth, she just puked and ran off! Not even a thank you!

Oh, well, who needs her. Or any cheerleaders for that matter. They should all be destroyed!

That’s why I took this job. Well, I took it for the pay, and plus I was sort of kidnapped. But when I found out we would be wreaking havoc on people’s lives, I was ecstatic. Some people say we’re harming the innocent, but that’s a load of bull-cheese! There’s no such thing as innocent.

I saw this personal ad in Parade Magazine. It was like it called out to me. Totally fate or something!

Seeking attractive, tough female with a love of cruelty who enjoys mutilating farmland creatures and destroying the lives of happy suburbanites. Small boobs and magical abilities preferred.

So, I responded. I was like really expecting the one, you know? The love of my life. But instead I see this Thompson guy. He gave me this job and it’s been great!

I’ve been particularly enjoying this Bennet debacle. It has all the pieces of a great tragedy. Now, we just wait for Act III where they all die! Yay! I’ll bring the popcorn.

But before we can kill anyone, we have to find the cheerleader! So, help me out. Tell me where she is, I know you know something! Don’t make me dip your children in a boiling vat of olive oil. Well, go ahead, make me. It’ll be fun. But then you have to tell me where she is after that.

Don’t worry, though. Primatech has many tricks up its paper sleeves. This post isn’t our only plan to retrieve the girl. We’re going to pull a Primatech classic. Soon, we’ll give Bennet his Blackberry back, slightly modified so that we can track his activities on it. He’ll lead us to her sooner or later. And I can’t wait to see the look on his face when we disintegrate his little Miracle Grow girl in front of him.

So what do you say? Will you help out a stranger?