How may I serve you?

I am beginning a new journey, my friends. A journey filled with light and love and happiness. No, not really. Forgive my lie. I merely wanted to know how it would sound, coming from my mouth. It is wretched, just like everything else. Now I shall have to suck on a porcupine.

Now, do you all remember how my beloved had trapped me in a little cocoon? Of course not, I am insignifigant. But he did. A few days later he brought some new friends into our little nest. They were so beautiful it burned. And I rejoiced. However, they soon began to fight with my muffin, and before I knew it, he swept me up in a little huff and flew me to the moon. Well, not quite. We ended up at a place called Pineherst, but Mohinder was squeezing my chest so hard it may as well have been the moon. But nevermind that. My chest is not important. It exists only for his pleasure anyway.

But then! Oh, but then! A glorious man, my lunar hero emerged! He told Mohinder to wait outside and then he began to touch me! Glory! I began to cry, but oh they were not tears of death! They were NOT black and gooey! I cried water! For the first time in so many years! I wept and I wept and I wept. The man slapped me, but I did not care! The water-tears felt so wonderful! I wanted to show everyone! I ran into the hallway.

“Look! Look what I can do!” I sobbed at the feet of a passerby.

Later, after mulitple orgasmic slaps to the face and bucket of water over my head, I went back to the loft to collect my things. Well, my thing really. I only have one posession and that is my Alejandro lamp. Momo bought me a TON of cute clothes, but I don’t feel right wearing them. I would strut around naked, but Alejandro told me that it is frowned upon here. So I kept the clothes that Alejandro had picked out for me that day. I know. I am ashamed.

I told Momo good bye, and urged him to repent as well. We could all use repentance. I should know. I flat iron my toes every day. Do you know why? It is because I am an awful person, that is why. But then… Mohinder may be too fragile for that sort of regiment… I know! I will soak my papercuts in acid on his behalf tonight! Oh, Momo, I will absolve you yet!

As for me? I still have much do to make up for my sins. I will be like this man! But instead of a hundred it is more like… like… Alot more than a hundred. And instead of turning into a doggy, I will attempt the nobel profession of a waitress. Yes, a serving girl!

I started by getting a job at this lovely diner. I don’t know how I got the job, especially after I ruined the application machine with my water tears. All the chef said was “You can work here if you where what you are wearing as your uniform,” Or something like that. He was drooling for some odd reason. So now I will serve you all excelent food and lick your boots and leave you wonderful tips! Now…

May I take your order?