Man of Mystery

“Hey, you’re mysterious,” people always say to me before I disappear in a puff of ominous smoke.

And they’re right. I am indeed mysterious. I’m an international man in horn-rimmed glasses of mystery.

But that wasn’t always my dream. I actually wanted to be an ice cream vendor, but the allure of paper and paper products got to me first.

Life seems to throw us in odd directions, as Mohinder would probably say. For a taxi driver, he’s always been chatty. And chatty is very not mysterious.

To be a good Mystery Man, you have to keep the talk to a minimum. The more you talk, the less mystery there is. When you do say things, make sure it’s witty one-liners or ambiguous innuendos.

For instance, when you’re in a hurry and have to meet with a chiropractor, tell him to “make it snappy.”

Or, after you taser a smoker, step on his lit cigarette and say, “Those things will kill you,” as he lies paralyzed from the shock on the cold, damp sidewalk.

Of course, it’s not all in the words. You have to maintain an aura of mystery as well. You can do that many ways. I prefer wearing horn-rimmed glasses and a suit. Nothing says mystery like a man who looks like he just stepped out of the 1950s. “What’s he doing in this time period?” people will wonder. The answer: something mysterious, no doubt.

Other things that you can do to keep people guessing:

If you don’t have a Nissan, then a jetpack is the next best thing. People will look up in the sky and excitedly call out, “A bird!” as though they’ve never seen a bird. But they’d be mistaken, and then say, “A plane!” Still, they would be mistaken. Finally, they would realize that it’s me, Mr. Bennet and say, “Isn’t that Claire’s dad?” At which point, I’d explode and Claire would duck into the restroom mumbling about being so embarrassed and wishing she was adopted.

Then, of course, you can always wear a big hat.

Big hats not only say “Hi, I’m mysterious,” they also say, “I’m probably important.” Mystery alone won’t always do it. You have to make sure that people fill in the blanks with something grandiose. So, give them a hint in that direction and let their imagination do the rest.

Once you’ve successfully created an air of mystery about you, then the world becomes your matzo ball. Just be careful not to work in the opposite direction. There are a few things that can ruin your mystery. Things like:

Resist the temptation! Who is more mysterious? The snake offering the apple or the dumb woman that eats whatever a snake gives her? Don’t be a dumb woman, be a snake.

But at least Goofy gets points for the hat. Kudos, Goofy.