Ladies and gents, I am proud to announce that I have recovered from my little bout of depression. It took a little bit of soul-searching and several dozen of my patented bologna sandwiches, but yesterday I was able to stand up and smile for the first time in weeks.
But let me digress a little. If you haven’t been reading up, I had been thrown into a fit of rage over the possibility of my wife cheating on me with a certain @#$#@$@#$@ politician. After these rumors turned out to be true, my rage quickly fizzled into feelings of powerlessness and depression. I took a leave of absence from work, and lay in bed sucking on my thumb and nibbling on bologna sandwiches. I couldn’t even muster up the emotional strength to use my rice cooker! Instead, I had to make the sandwiches in the toaster. Can you believe that?
It occurred to me that the only way I was going to get through all of this was to surround myself with activity and to lose myself in my work, so I returned to the Burnt Toast Diner. That’s when everything changed…
While I was busing a table where, unfortunately, my good old friend “Big Sammy” was sitting, out of the corner of my eye I caught the strangest of sites. A stunning brunette with small boobs had just transformed into a weird-looking middle-aged dude with horn-rimmed glasses! In this disguise, she then started asking around about some cheerleader. I totally forgot about my friend, who was still yelling at me about some dog, and stared after the new love of my life.
I watched from a window as she left the diner, threw off her disguise and walked to her car, kicking a cat out of her path and stealing a lollipop from a baby on her way there. Ooohhh she was bad to the bone, and it was completely riveting. Heat flared up in my heart (and my loins) as I watched her throw back her head and laugh as she reversed over a badger and drove away.
I have to admit that I have a problem; I am completely smitten for E.W.C.W.S.P. — Evil White Chicks With Super-Powers. My new-found love (I still have yet to find out what her name is) has allowed me to move on with my life after my wife’s actions. I have come to accept her desire for an open relationship — so far she has been schmoozing with a congressman and a psychotic killer — and I intend on doing the same.
My shape-shifting, reality-altering love, I will pursue you to the ends of the Earth, and to the tops of the tallest mountains! I looooooove you!
are u jealous of me? lol thats funny. u shud be more worried about me killin ur wife then sleepin w/ her! i mean im sylar come on now!
Mr. Hawkins:
I am glad you are finally moving on to new things. I was almost guilty, for two seconds. My magnetism is overwhelming, so if I see your new love interest coming, I will try to tone down my sexiness.
O.
My.
You may not want to use that rice cooker of yours until it gets a good washing… I’ll explain in my blog.
I got worried there for a second, DL. I thought you were talking about me.
Good luck to you and Candice! Devil Bush and I are off to go find Mohinder…or something. He said something about summoning Captain Planet again. Silly Bush.
I’m not certain, but I suspect the woman you saw was (hey those words mirror each other!) none other than the evil lesbian, Candace Wilmer!
I would not suggest tapping that.
You trippin’, dad.