Advice from God

Yo, peeps! It’s me, Brody Mitchum, but you can call me God. Yeah, I know, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. But I’ve been busy. Too many Freshmans this year, my hands are full!

I like my free time too. And I don’t have much, so when I have it, I don’t spend it blogging. Instead, I go to the Mall with my buds and chill.

That’s where I was yesterday. We had a great time. There were a few honeys there. And yes, I succeeded with them all. But that’s to be expected. In fact, I’m so successful, people always ask me for advice.

“Hey, man, give us advice,” they say.

And so, I thought well, okay. I can share some of the Wisdom of Brody.

The first thing, and most important, is money. You have to be bankin’. If you’re not, put up a front. Get your priorities straight when it comes to finances. Not everyone has a wealthy real estate broker for a dad and a lawyer for a mom like me. So, chances are, you can’t throw money around like me.

So, what do you do? Simple. Invest in flashy stuff. If it makes you look rich, you want it. Buy things that are superfluous. Yeah, I learned that word yesterday too. It means excessive, like stuff you don’t need. A kid at the mall said it about a diamond watch I was buying, so I whooped him in the parking lot. Of course, now that I know it wasn’t an insult, I may not have done that. But it’s too late for morals now.

Second, you have to focus on the hair. The ladies are suckers for a nice do. Go to a professional until you learn to perfect it yourself. If it doesn’t take you an hour, you’re doing it wrong!

Third, listen! Yeah, easy. See….ladies, they’re not very secure. They need to feel secure. So, to do that, just pretend you are listening. Nod while they talk. Say, “Mmm, hmmm.” And pay attention enough to paraphrase what they say. And if you want some major brownie points, tell them how they feel! They eat that stuff up.

Example. She comes in all pissy, and you know she’s pissy, but she doesn’t say, “Hey, I’m pissy!” No! She says, “Gah! Mr. Williams flunked me because I didn’t do my research paper on the wallaby!”

You say, “Wow, that’s crazy.” That way she knows you’re on her side. Then say, “You’re really pissed about that.”

She’ll say, “Heck yeah I am! He’s a stupid teacher. I’m a cheerleader, I’m not supposed to write about wallabies!”

“You’re too good for his nonsense,” you say. Smile. Look her calmly in the eyes. Reach out slowly and put your arm on her shoulder. “So, you wanna get jiggy?”

Bam! And that is how you do it.