Ok, so you know how nothing is EVER my fault right? Well its not my fault that both boys and girls think I’m peppy and cute. Heck, even gay boys think I’m adorable.
But my wholesome all-American vibe has taken another step! Get this. My roomie Gretchen, who is kinda weird in cute Juno kind of way… I turned her into a lesbian! Or at least bi. I know it was me because there’s no way someone around me could have anything different or interesting about them. It would be an overwhelming soap opera.
Anyway, so I was all “Gretchen, you totally killed Annie! You are NOT allowed to do anything more interesting than me! Jeez, don’t you know how my life works? What’s your problem?” 
And then she kissed me and I was all “oh,”. Because there’s nothing new about that. “That explains everything,” I told her.
“You aren’t freaked out?” She asked nervously.
“Um, no? I’m totally used to it. So hey, I’m gonna go pick up Chinese take-out or something, kay?”
So while I was walking to the on campus takeout place, I did a little bit of self-analysis. I mean I did feel kind of bad for turning Gretch into a lesbian. “But its not like its a bad thing right?” I asked myself. “Gay people are cool. I even went out with a gay guy for while… and then a straight guy. And then a nerd…
And don’t forget the rapist!
And its not like I’ve never done any expirementing before…” 
And then I got it! The universe is not about gay or bi or nerds. Its about love. You just need love, right? Yes! “LOVE MAKES THE WORLD SPIN!” I cried into the chinese take-out place. And thats when I had another epiphany. I know! I’m so on a roll right!
The cheap Chinese take-out reminded me of another person who’s been down on love and smells like Chinese food.
“OMG DAD!” I shrieked as I popped into his dingy appartment. He quickly closed his laptop. Poor guy. Must be resorting to porn or something.
“Hey, Claire-Bear, what’s new?”
I shrugged. “Nothin’ much. Gretch might have slipped me some tongue but no big,”
“What?”
“Ok, so I know how to help you, Dad. You need to get some-“
“New guns? Cats?”
“What? No! You need some love!”
“Aw, Claire-Bear…” He wrapped me in a hug.
“Well its no secret that I love you dad, but my sexual pursuers are a bit overwhelming right now. Get it? You need some sexual healing!”
“I’m sorry, sounds like you just said the word ‘sex’. I’m pretty sure I told the Haitian to wipe that from your head…”
“So can I have some quarters in exchange for that awesome advice?”
And then all of the sudden, the Universe granted me another gift. A visit from my Super-Cute-Uncle Peter!
But he didn’t even look at me! He and my dad totally scampered off together to who knows where leaving me with nothing but a baggie of quarters!
Later, as I put my reallky cute panties in the dryer, I realized that I should be happy that my dad has found consolation in Super-Cute-Uncle Peter. But no, both should know that Uncle-Super-Cute-Peter belongs to me! And so does Dad! But in a totally non sexual way! “Why, Universe, why? Why are you so confusing?”
“I ask myself that every day,” A very small voice said from behind.
“Oh, hi… Linus, right? What are you doing here?”
“Muggle’s clothes are in the washer at home. I have to wash mine here. Anyway, I know what its like to be ignored, so if you ever want to talk sis…”
“Hold that thought I just got a text.” It was a pix message from Dad. “Meet your new brother” it said.
“OMG! I’ve always wanted a brother! He’s even kinda hot!” I cried to the laundromat. As I left with my clothes, I was hit with another epiphany. Uncle Super Cute Peter and Dad weren’t doing anything sketchy behind my back! Maybe the Universe really is all about love. And everyone, boys and girls, seems to love me… and I love everyone back so… I’m the center of the universe?
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