I looked through my pitiful little backpack that I had brought with my for some inspiration. I sorted through my whips and spikes and various pieces of Alejandro’s undergarments. I didn’t find any CDs or magic answers, but I did find the first book/video that Alejandro and I bought on our cross country road trip to try and learn English. It’s part of the reason why I spoke in such an annoying high voice when I first learned.
“Look Alejandro!” I cried, mostly out of habit. “These males are little and therefore boys! Oh! And remember how they sang in the video? It was glorious in exelsis! I have found my band of boys!” Alejandro didn’t answer, so I looted through his boxers that I keep in the front pouch of my backpack and pulled out the lamp, giving it a hard rub.
“Oh, yes, that’s how I-” He stopped abruptly. “Oh. Hello sister. Have you bedded you man yet?”
“No,” I said woefully. “But you will be the first to know if I do. No, my question was how do I get to these little boys? I need them for my challenge,”
He stared at me blankly. “Maya, I think you should know…”
My eyes began to fill. I worried that he would tell me that these lovely children would never help someone a disdainful as myself.
“Ah… These ‘boys’… they,”
“Oh!” I cried suddenly in a fit of joy. I just had the most wonderful idea! To the magic Bat Nisan!”
“The commercial said that the magic of the Nisan would take me wherever I want to go,” I said to Alejandro, though I had left him in the room. I closed my eyes and pushed, like a little Japanese man trying to travel through time. I believed in the heart of the mini-van,” And like that, I felt myself flatten into a 2-d shape. “Ah! Mias Dios!” I cried. “I am here!”
Before me was a little cottage. And though the birds flew happily around it, it was in quite a disarray. I knocked on the door and bleary eyed little man answered. “whattaya want?” He demanded.
I fell at his feet and presented my offering of fried roadkill. “Please take this meal as an offering of peace. I beg you to join me in a quest for musicianship and love,” I felt his little boot kick me in the head.
“We don’t deal with women anymore,” The man I knew as Grumpy said.
“The last little whore took of with some guy, leaving us, her saviors with no one to clean the house. I mean look at Dopey!” I looked behind him at the webbed lump on the floor. “Oh… But ummm… What can I do?”
“You can drop dead, ho.”
“I would love to,” I replied
“Well, look who’s here, she’ll help you out,”
I turned to see a woman with an apple. An apple to beautiful for the likes of me. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” I cried. “DON’T WASTE YOUR LOVELY PRODUCE ON MEEEEE!” And like that she fell to the ground.
There was an uproar as seven happy men spilled from the house. They lifted me and cheered as birds flew around me and little squirrels jumped. I wanted to eat them.
“You have defeated the witch!” They cried. “What can we do to repay you?”
Back at the mansion, the little boys and I set up on stage. “Alright gang, lets bring this crowd to their knees,” Doc said. Dopey drooled and clapped in response.
We went on an played they only song that they knew:
We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig in our mine the whole day through
To dig dig dig dig dig dig dig is what we really like to do
It ain’t no trick to get rich quick
If you dig dig dig with a shovel or a pick
In a mine! In a mine! In a mine! In a mine!Where a million diamonds shine!
We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig from early morn till night
We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig up everything in sight
We dig up diamonds by the score
A thousand rubies, sometimes more
But we don’t know what we dig ’em forWe dig dig dig a-dig digHeigh-ho, Heigh–hoHeigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh–hoHeigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It’s home from work we go
(Whistle)
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh–hoHeigh-ho, Heigh-ho
(Whistle)
Heigh-ho, Heigh–hoHeigh-ho, Heigh–hoHeigh-ho, Heigh–hoHeigh-ho humHeigh-ho
At one point, I missed a note and started to cry. The audience started to fall, as did my fellow band members. Except for Dopey. He just drooled a little more and made a noise that sounded like a giggle. His bliss brought joy to my heart and I was able to revive my friends and finish the piece.
“I guess we brought them to their knees…” Bashful said. And we all laughed gleefully, like a bunch of cartoon characters in a very Disney movie.
Didn’t Menudo come from Mexico…not that it matters. It has been my experience that it is hard to go wrong with dwarves.
I was expecting you to go on an El Mariachi murder spree. You’re the Mexican, you translate.
El Mariachi…
Ah, few things really rev my engine like a .45 caliber cod piece.
Ewww, I made out with you and you eat roadkill?! That’s like, totally gross! Almost as gross as making out with someone who eats fresh, raw brains! Oh wait…
I love a story with a happy ending.