Okay, let me ask you a question. When you hear indestructible cheerleader, what do you think? Besides totally hot I mean. Indestructible! Duh. Now, everyone knows what that means, right? I’m well… indestructible! That’s why I thought it would be like, super easy to take down the bad guys in my daddy’s box.
So I show up at this guy’s house and he’s on the phone crying about wanting to see someone. I said something really cool and he totally ignored me, so I zapped him with my taser that Daddy bought me when I was 2 to ward of predators.
Don’t judge, it’s the best I had after my psycho bio-mom told me she wouldn’t teach me how to kill people with my fists… Jeez…
Don’t judge, it’s the best I had after my psycho bio-mom told me she wouldn’t teach me how to kill people with my fists… Jeez…
Anyway, he was all “don’t tase me bro!” And I went “I already did,”.
“Don’t do it again,” He said.
“You can’t tell me what to do. You’re not one of my dads,”
He looked all thoughtful for a minute, then he reached out his hand and like, black holed my taser or something. Black hole? No one told me about black holes! That’s not possible! Does that mean I can die? That’s not in my title!
“Dude! You so can’t do that!”
“I already did,”
I didn’t cry because Dad said that like, undermines authority or whatever. So I sat on his couch and tried to mind trick him like my dad does when he bags and tags people. But the guy was like, really cool! He just wanted to see his family and stuff, so I said “I guess it’s okay. I don’t really need to bag and tag you if you promise not to kill anyone else,”
And then Dad pops in with one of his one liners and tries to make me look really dumb. “Daaad!” I whined. I’m handling this, ok?”
“I don’t see a gun. You can’t handle this without a gun,”
“Gah! You’re so dumb sometimes! OMG,” I said suddenly, when I noticed that his partner was a scary looking white guy instead of a scary looking black guy. “You really are dumb, Dad! Why would you bring him here? He totally mind raped me, remember?!”
“I Didn’t rape nobody, I swear!” The black hole guy yelled behind me. “I’m not goin’ back, I won’t!” He shouted. He threw one of his weird black holes in the middle of the room and we all started swirling. “Dad! Help me!” I cried.
“I’ll help you Claire!” Sylar shouted, doing a cheerleader flip and grabbing my hand. Then he tried to be all motherly, asking if I was ok. “I’m peachy,” I said, scowling at him. He totally ripped that flip from my brain. “And what’s with everyone trying to be my parents? Jeez! I can’t die, ok? What don’t you understand about that? Ugh!”
Dad must not have been listening because he went, “Claire, I’m your father and I love you. Tell me where the black hole guy went and promise I won’t shoot anything vital,”
I was totally sick of this and Sylar kept playing with my hair, so I told him so I could just get away.
I felt kinda suspicious when dad started loading his gun inside of his jacket when he thought I couldn’t see, so I took a detour and went to check on my new friend. But surprise! Daddy showed up and pointed a gun at the black hole guy’s head. But surprise! (Really, I was seriously surprised this time!) Dad said he wouldn’t shoot if Black Hole Dude made Sylar disappear. Wow. “Do it!” I said! But then the guy started to cry so I told him that it was okay and he didn’t have to if he didn’t want to. But dad was being a real A hole and kept peer pressuring him, so he like, black holed himself.
“Look what you did!” I yelled at him when we got in the car.
“It’s not my fault Claire Bear. You confused him. If you hadn’t said anything Sylar would be gone and you could have helped me bag and tag this guy. Instead, black hole guy is dead, Sylar is still alive, and you’re grounded forever. But I still love you,”
“This is totally unfair!” I cried.
“This is totally unfair!” Sylar cried. “You tricked me Mr. Glasses!”
“Shut up, this isn’t about you, dummy!”
“But Claire, we cheerleaders need to stick together!”
“Gah!”
“Be quiet, or so help me I will turn this car around!” Dad called. Well, no one wanted to go back to the creepy carnival that was there for like, no reason, so…
Everything I do, everyone I shoot…it’s all to protect my indestructible Claire Bear. You understand that, right?
I used to be a cheerleader – it got me the votes I needed to become student council empress at my old school. Maybe you should look into that, if the whole taser-wielding Company girl thing doesn’t work out.
You see…that’s the problem with Bennet. He’ll always embarrass you by showing up and taking part in your life. If I embarrass you, it will be from afar….no…wait…That didn’t sound right.
I tried to think of some witty IC comment to write, but I was laughing to hard!! What a riot!!
Ahem…
Perhaps we should find you a tazer of your own, no? Perhaps tazers for everyone this holiday season? We’ll have them monogrammed!!!
Grammy
((Really? I’m glad you enjoyed it! ^_^))